If your therapist seems to “hate” you, “not like you”, or give you the impression of some kind of negativity, it may have nothing to do with you. Your therapist may be experiencing:

• Overwhelm in life/work which is overlapping on to  you
  • Burned out or overworked by supervisors
  • Have little control over home life/work life/case load
• Transference
• Countertransference
• Boundary Issues
• Projection
• Feelings of inadequacy overall or surrounding the issues they are unable to help you with
• Something that they themselves have not dealt with from their past (which could be wrapped up in Transference, Countertransference or Projection)
• Combinations of the above

Should I Tell My Therapist it Feels like They Hate me/Don’t Like Me?

It is a GREAT idea to talk to your therapist about your concerns. The therapeutic relationship is meant just for that. Honesty, transparency and growth. Speaking to your therapist directly and getting the issue resolved so that you can move on (whether that be in therapy with this therapist or another) is essential. This is real world practice for you resolving issues in other relationships you have.

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Hate is a very strong word! Do your best to pinpoint the thoughts and emotions that you are really thinking and feeling and couple that with the therapist’s behaviors which you are thinking trigger these beliefs and emotions. If you are unable to do so, this is a great time to sort through this with your therapist. This may be something within you – that certain things said or done trigger feelings of inadequacy or that others don’t like you. If the therapist is not willing/able to assist you, the therapist may not be a good fit.

It’s important to have the right fit when you talk with a therapist. If this is not the right fit, you may not benefit from it or you may stop therapy altogether, even if needed – because you have seen no benefits working with a therapist that was not willing or able to assist you. (Sometimes assistance can be a referral to someone who CAN help you!)

Assumptions that are incorrect may be part of the real issue. The only way to resolve an assumption is find out the truth. When the truth is on the table, then real changes can be made. Assumptions, resentfulness, non-transparency, and things can get in the way of any relationship. A person’s relationship with their therapist is one more relationship. . If you’re able to be transparent, discuss and work out whatever the issue is with your therapist, you are more likely to be able to appropriately discuss ,work out and resolve issues with other people (your OTHER relationships).

How Do I tell my Therapist “I think you hate me”?

• Assume you will be able to work this out with your therapist before you mention it.
• This is not a confrontation – this is a conversation. View it as such before you start.
• Speak the truth as you see it. You don’t have to say it perfectly, you just have to say it. If you are stuck, here are some possibilities. Choose only whichever is true
  • Sometimes I feel like you don’t like me.
  • Sometimes it seems you have negative feelings towards me.
  • Sometimes when I walk in the room I get the feeling that you don’t want me to be here.
  • Sometimes your facial expressions telling me that you don’t like me.
  • Sometimes I get the feeling that you hate me.
  • Sometimes you seem angry at me and I have no idea why.

Again, this is a conversation. Go into it with the belief that this will be resolved in some way between the two of you. It is likely that your therapist has no negative feelings towards you.

If I tell my Therapist that I think they Hate me, Will it Ruin the Therapy Relationship?

Discussing it with your therapist will likely immediately change the relationship. It will either get better or worse. It can get better if the therapist realizes it is them and they make appropriate mental/emotional changes, examine themselves, talk with a supervisor, mentor or peer and it can provide growth for them. It the issue is yours, this provides growth for you in similar ways that it does the therapist. If it gets worse, it is because there are insurmountable issues by one or both of you, and it may be best just to get another therapist. Be transparent and let them know. That too provides growth for them and boundary line practice for you. You may also discover that part of the issue was your feelings towards your therapist, and that there is transference, countertransference, or projection issues. Actually, every one listed for the therapist above COULD apply to YOU and if so, this is something for you to work out in therapy. This therapist might be the ideal person to work it out with, since the issues have been triggered and are on the table. Use all of this information in your decision making for whether you need a new therapist or not.

Alternatively, the therapist may decide after this conversation that they are unable to assist you – not because there is something wrong with you, but because there is something with them that they have not worked out, and it may be something that may take some time to get resolved, and they would not be able to provide the assistance you require. Meanwhile, you still need a therapist. In a case like that, it is ethical for them to make a referral, or offer to make a referral to someone else, or give you suggestions on how to find someone who could assist you. Different therapists have different ethics requirements in the US, but most are similar. In a case like this, the NASW Code of Ethics for Social Workers states that ” Social workers should terminate services to clients and professional relationships with them when such services and relationships are no longer required or no longer serve the clients’ needs or interests”. Ethical Standards: 1.17 (a)

https://www.socialworkers.org/About/Ethics/Code-of-Ethics/Code-of-Ethics-English

 If after this conversation the issue is not resolved for you- that you feel this therapist cannot be of help to you, it is important to find a new therapist that you believe you can work with.

Some Considerations:

Please note that some therapists believe it doesn’t matter whether they like the client or the client likes them – especially in cases where the client has been forced to see the therapist by someone else – such as a judge, or supervisor at work. In these situations, often there is resentment or even anger towards the therapist. (Check out those transference, countertransference and projection issues that may apply here!)

However if you are seeking therapy on your own – searching for someone to help you – it is important for you to feel that your therapist at least somewhat likes you and thinks well of you or well enough of you. Without this basic mutual liking, which can lead to respect and then the essential piece of trust, there is no therapeutic relationship. Many studies have shown that this therapeutic relationship is what facilitates the change process in the client. The American Psychological Association says that “A good relationship is essential to helping the client connect with, remain in and get the most from therapy”

https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/11/ce-corner-relationships

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What if My Therapist Really DOES Hate me?

After you have discussed this with your therapist, if you continue to have a feeling that your therapist hates you/does not like you, you should probably get a new therapist. As mentioned earlier in this article, if you have difficulty maintaining relationships overall, this may be an issue within you that has been triggered. If that is the case, all therapists will at some point likely trigger you the same, and it is your choice as to which therapist you feel comfortable digging deep and hashing it out with.

To Think About:

For Current and Potential Clients/Consumers of Therapy and Current and Potential Therapists:

• If you see a therapist who has no control over their work life, has a job that demands they only work with angry clients who are required to be there, and/or is surrounded by people who are resentful of having to come to treatment (often projecting their anger onto the therapist) it is easy for a person to be overwhelmed. This is a different scenario when a therapist has control over their hours, their caseload numbers and is able to work with the specialty areas in the settings they feel comfortable with. Keep this in mind when choosing your therapist and if you feel the need to discuss the topic in this post with them. Here is another article to help you understand contributing factors to therapist overwhelm:
• Unfortunately many therapists stay in jobs where they are overwhelmed, and some eventually leave the field, because they did not draw firm boundary lines before burnout took over. In cases like this, the therapist isn’t doing themselves or their clients any favors. If a therapist is unable to draw boundary lines for themselves, how are they able to help clients do so?
• If you are thinking of becoming a therapist, and you have difficulty starting and maintaining relationships, this may not be the field for you, unless you can resolve those issues before you start seeing clients.
• If you are a therapist and see that clients don’t complete treatment with you at a high rate, you may be unconsciously sending messages to them that create a disconnect, working in a job that you is burning you out, and/or there are some things that made need to be worked out within yourself and with the important relationships in your life. Don’t delay, look into these things now and get them resolved.